4 Ways to Recover after Being a Jerk

4 Ways to Recover after Being a Jerk

Posted on 07. Sep, 2011 by in 1 Leadership

In the throws of conflict we all have cringe-worthy stories of when our actions and words were inappropriate or over-the-top. You know the moment when you say or do something and you immediately think, “CRAP!”

At work recovering from those moments of being a jerk is crucial to your success. What’s more important is team effectiveness that enables success. How do you recover and repair the damage?

Here’s a great place to start.

Look in the mirror. Regardless of who’s in the right, it takes two to have a conflict. If you’re involved look at how you contributed to the problem. Then own it. You’ll need to be clear on that for the follow-up conversation. Because letting it go without a follow-up conversation damages team morale and dynamics. Don’t contribute to destructive behavior.

“I” NOT “You.” Once you’ve owned your part, it’s time to talk with the other person. Soften the conversation by using “I” and NOT “You.” For example, “The other day I was thick-headed and didn’t listen to your side of the story. I’d like to talk further about it so we can move forward.”

Using “You” is like pointing an accusatory finger at the other person. That’s not going to help clean up the mess. Your goal is to talk about what happened so you can move forward.

Face Time. Whatever you do, have the conversation face-to-face. If that’s not physically possible, then do it over the phone or Skype. Email or text is completely inappropriate. Not to mention shows insincerity and insecurity.

Focus on results. If you simply can’t stand the person that’s okay. But you need to work with him. So, focus on the business result you two need to create together and work out a plan on how to reach those goals. Nobody ever said you have to like everyone you work with. But you are paid to achieve results and work alongside those necessary to make that happen.

Strong leaders are less worried about who will make the first move after conflict. Such leaders take to heart the importance of relationships and acting in a manner to maintain their integrity. There is no time to wait for the other person to make the move.

At work you’ve got to work with all types of personalities. The artful leader can work effectively with the crusty to the delightful.

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15 Responses to “4 Ways to Recover after Being a Jerk”

  1. Judy Martin

    07. Sep, 2011

    Great post and points, I really appreciated this post. I work in a newsroom and let’s just say the last week with Irene has frayed nerves. That brings me to my point.

    We also have to be aware that we don’t know what’s going on with the other person. They have their story too. I understand as a leader it’s smart to make the first move, but i also think we have to listen to what that experience was like for the other person. Not to belabor the point, but to give them voice.. you don’t want any sticky stuff left behind. @JudyMartin8

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      07. Sep, 2011

      Judy,
      Excellent addition. Hearing the other person’s story is crucial to building effective work relationships.

      Thank you for your tireless work last week. I know we appreciated being informed about Irene’s progress and impacts.

      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  2. Susan Mazza

    07. Sep, 2011

    Great advice Shawn. Sometimes the hardest first step of all is letting go of our need to be right. Smart leaders are awake to the costs of being right and the opportunity of being personally responsible.

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      07. Sep, 2011

      Indeed, Susan. The costs of hanging on to the need to be right costs us more than ineffective leadership. Profits, quality, productivity, even employee satisfaction are impacted when we avoid facing our limitations to creating dynamic, mutually beneficial relationships.

      Always good to see your comments here.
      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  3. Terri L Maurer

    07. Sep, 2011

    Great article, Shaun! I learned long ago that stepping up to the line and apologizing will go a long way in repairing relationships. Couldn’t agree more with Susan’s comment that we have to be willing to let go of our need to be right. Taking ownership and apologizing goes a long way in mending relationships and moving the conversation forward.

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      07. Sep, 2011

      Terri,
      I remember the times when this lesson was new for me. It’s daunting at first, but the continuous successes reinforce the value of stepping up to apologize first.

      Sure appreciate your comment.
      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  4. Jon M

    08. Sep, 2011

    Shawn,

    Great last line: “The artful leader can work effectively with the crusty to the delightful.” Very essential, especially when combined with your last point of focusing on the results.

    We do work with people we may not “like.” As you point out, we need to focus on the results while not becoming someone we are not. This can go two ways: 1) Becoming the jerk, or 2) Placating the other person too much. We cannot do either. We need to focus on the work with our character in tact.

    Thanks!

    Jon

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      08. Sep, 2011

      Jon,
      Indeed. The more leaders identify what makes up their character the more advocates we have in this movement.

      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  5. Billy Kirsch

    08. Sep, 2011

    Great post Shawn. It is my experience too that real leaders don’t worry about who makes the first move, they just move! And I agree that email is inappropriate for fence mending and forward progress in these kinds of situations.

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      08. Sep, 2011

      Billy,
      Always good to see you here. Fence mending should always be a physical interaction to keep things moving forward. Let’s just avoid the physical blows, right.

      Be well.
      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  6. Carolyn

    08. Sep, 2011

    Hi Shawn, What an important and powerful post! You gave great advice here. The only thing I would add is about how an apology is delivered. If you were a jerk to someone, excoriating them in front of others, you should apologize to the person in front of the same people. A face-to-face apology is important to the person you demeaned, but others should witness the apology. If the rant wasn’t in private, the apology shouldn’t be private either.

    That being said, I respect people who are willing to admit a mistake, especially publicly. It shows character and is a better road to redemption.

    Well done, Shawn. Great piece.

    Reply to this comment

    • Shawn Murphy

      08. Sep, 2011

      Carolyn,
      Excellent add! Apologies and their delivery are vital to keeping or creating healthy work relationships. No one at any level is above apologies.

      Shawn

      Reply to this comment

  7. @BenGlatt

    13. Sep, 2011

    Good post, insightful bits of information!

    Reply to this comment

  8. Michele Price @prosperitygal

    29. Dec, 2011

    Same goes for online. If you were a jerk on twitter do not apologize in a DM, that is pretty cowardly and besides if you want folks to see you “manned up” they cannot see your DM’s ;)

    I like the comment about character and redemption showing when you are gracious.

    Funny how when we start to talk about things that upset up, even when they are past it can take us back into that same frame of mind, whew.

    Reply to this comment

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